Ache

I guess i shouldn't have expected anything. I didn't expect my heart to ache this badly either. I should have realised that no matter how much i put in, i'd probably get xtremely little back. I should have known. I should have known. I really really should have expected this.

Hey bel, why are you crying? Is it such a big deal?

Yes.

Try to find me

If I am lost for a day
try to find me,
but if i don't come back
then i won't look behind me.
all of the things i thought were so easy
just got harder and harder each day

december is darkest,
and june is the light.
but this empty bedroom won't make anything right.
and out on the landing
a friend i forgot to send home
who waits up for me all through the night.

calendar girl, who's in love with the world
stay alive
stay alive

i dreamed i was dying
as i so often do;
and when i awoke
i was sure it was true.
i ran to the window
threw my head to the sky,
and said whoever is up there, please don't let me die

i can't live forever.
i can't always be.
one day i'll be sand on the beach by the sea;
the pages keep turning, i'll mark off each day with a cross
and i'll laugh about all that we've lost.

calendar girl, who is lost to the world
stay alive
stay alive

stay alive, stay alive

MELTDOWN

She was too tall,

too fond of books,

too grave,
and,

a curious thing,

never smiled unless there was something to smile at.

Hi, so it's like............ less than 30 days to o's now. I have been having spasmodic meltdowns and i m driving myself nuts.

I think physics is a life-saver. Will die w/o it. WHY CAN'T BIO BE LOGICAL. I DON'T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT HOW MY UTERUS LINING BREAKS DOWN WHEN IT HAPPENS IT JUST HAPPENS I SCOLD A CURSE WORD AND MOVE ON.

I don't even care how my kidneys look like I DON'T CARE! Medulla Cortex blah blah blahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh (urgh)

:(

XHAUSTED

Let them think what they liked,

but I didn’t mean to drown myself.

I meant to swim till I sank —

but that’s not the same thing.

I want to sink.........................................................................................................

If I am lost for a day try to find me
But if I don't come back then I won't look behind me
And all of the things that I thought were so easy
Just got harder and harder each day

Chairlift

She hopes for nothing

except fine weather and a resolution.

She wants to end properly,

like a good sentence.

I tried to do handstands for you
I tried to do headstands for you
Everytime I fell on you, yeah, everytime I fell
I tried to do handstands for you
But everytime I fell for you
I'm permanently black and blue, permanently blue for you.

--

Gone, i am gone. I will b back though. Soon enough. Too soon for my liking.

As for now, God save me.

screwed

Ah yes, i fucked up for prelims. M going to focus and (hopefully) not blog so much.

Cello

Perfect.

Lost till you're found
Swim till you drown
Know that we all fall down

Love till you hate
Strong till you break
Know that we all fall down

Hi

Everything will turn out right,

the world is built on that.

Yes, and so. The conclusion for my weekend, it wasn't too bad :) I made my own notes on Molecular Genetics in pink, so i like reading it now :)

Gosh imagine if all our textbooks had glittery pink covers and the font was in pink and everything is pink, I WOULD SO TOTALLY DO WELL, *hint to the secret readers from MOE*

Anyway, i'm living in a constant state of anxiety and stress but i have to if not i wouldn't study.. OH AND TODAY IS WINNIE'S BIRTHDAY, HAPPY BIRTHDAY LUV *inserts love*

That and i am officially broke. I DIDN'T EVEN THINK I WOULD BE BROKE THIS MONTH CUZ OF IMPENDING O'S BUT, BUT, BUTT!

I don't wna go to school tmr :( This is horrible. I'm not even living in my kpop fandom, i have abandoned it for a whole 2 days and i'm suffering badly. THUS, INTRODUCING, WORLD'S CUTEST GUY (v coincidentally, my boyfriend as well), DONGHAE :D

I DON'T BELIEVE THIS HOW CAN SUCH A............................. FUCKING CUTE GUY EXIST.

I FEEL LIKE SINGING 'JUST THE WAY YOU ARE' TO HIM BUT, THE SONG IS FOR A GIRL (eg: her eyes her eyes) and secondly, i'm going to SING it. That alone is self-explanatory. Besides, i don't find guys beautiful. I always thought the term beautiful was used to describe girls.

Okay bye. I like ze:a. They are awsm. I love you boyfriend. Happy birthday winnie i love you too!

BIRTHDAY

OH! B4 I FORGET, SOMETHING(S) IMPT HAPPENED THIS WEEK! IT WAS DEANNA'S AND SHA'S SWT 16 (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

Hahahaha is is important because i love them a lot and anyone whom i love has important birthdays. Besides, they're so much better than wishing stars and hearts and besides we are all part of the fairy mafia gang (yay) and about a year and a few days ago we were celebrating they're combined birthdays @vivo while everyone else was busy studying but we couldn't do that this year though because of o's but rest assured because, 'AFTER O'S' that 2 words will bring more joy than you can ever imagine.

Thank you, both of you, for being in my life :) Being w you guys gives me the same feeling that i always get before i bite into chocolate HAHA, or better still, when i buy something pink! We will attend sha's indian wedding yes? And deanna will b the purrrfact house wife, yes? And you will all come stark naked to my funeral right so i will resurrect and start laughing, yes?

And we will never forget each other, yes? Yes, definitely :)

I M HAPPY :)

Now, back to work.

(I AM SAD :( )

Failure, i am.

You are afraid of it because it is stronger than you;

you hate it because you are afraid of it;

you love it because you cannot subdue it to your will.

Only the unsubduable can be loved.

Hi, i lasted this many days! Haha here's a secret, i haven't had one day w/o the com. I just didn't blog. This is so depressing.

I was this close *shows thumb and index finger* to succeeding and then guess whut? I woke up at 2am just to go on the com for like 30 mins cuz i didn't use it that day. MORTIFYING.

Whut else is mortifying? My chem marks. Haha i m not going to talk abt tht because i might just go kill myself.

Hahahaha will drown myself w mainstream songs bcuz sometimes indie songs just worsen my already-xtremely-depressed mood. Hello usher! Justin beeeeber, um bruno mars? Hahahaha.

Maybe i shld just save up money to do plastic surgery and join some kpop company, yes? Sounds like a hell of a swell idea :D

BACK TO HELL

We’re actors in our lives,

pretendin’ to be who we

want people to think we are.

So, a short short recap on how my sep hols went, um other than the fact that heechul (ze:a) winked at me, i can't remember anything else.

Much less studying.

M officially declaring myself screwed for o's.

THEREFORE, THIS SHALL BE MY LAST POST, UNTIL THE 15TH OF NOVEMBER.

(Unless i cannot take it anymore, believe me i will probably post tomorrow) but HEY, it's worth a try, yes?

Head to bed, head to bed.

man2man

If you wish for something hard enough,

the fairy tales teach us,

you can get it in the end.

But it’s hardly ever the way you thought it would be,

and the endings aren’t always happy ones.

Hi, an attempt at a decent blog post after that whole.... fangurling post, i know.

So, hol hw, all half-done. Haha don't know if i will even finish them by tomorrow (highly doubt it) I found a lot of undone june hol hw. I realised the teacher didn't collect them! (Okay, duh)

Thing is, i'm scared. Haha, i honestly am a tad bit afraid.

LIKE FINALLY RIGHT. My senses came back to me! Or, if you think i had none in the first place then, FINALLY MY NON-EXISTENT SENSES, SUDDENLY EXISTED!

Hahahahahahaha. Time to fret! Bye.

Listen to man2man, you will not regret it. (See the youtube vid below? At the post right below this? Yes click play. And listen to the first 4-5 bars. You. will. not. regret. it.)

WINK WINK WINK

HE WINKED AT ME.

THIS GUY, WINKED, HE BLOODY WINKED AT ME. LIKE ;) WINK WINK WINK OMGGGGGG LIKE, I SHOOK ALL THE HANDS OF ZE:A AND HE BLOODY WINKED AT ME........... AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

HELLO SAD PEOPLE OF THE WORLD, I AM SO HAPPY NOW I CAN CRY. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

OMG THEY'RE SONG IS REALLY NICE. THIS ONE.

It is better than lucifer. The beat of the first part is so fucking cool i can listen to it without wanting to look at their faces. The melody is really nice.

It's one of the nicest kpop songs that aren't nice because of the mv or anything, the melody, the tune, the beat is REALLY GOOD. Like,

excuse me for saying this,

it's better than mirotic.

THAT'S A HUGE THING FOR ME TO SAY SINCE MIROTIC IS (IN MY OPINION) THE BEST KPOP SONG EVER, IT'S MY FAV. But, this one beats mirotic by.................. a fraction of an inch.

I'm bloody serious i don't even know why they didn't chose to promote this song. Hell if some angmoh sang it, it'll own the charts. THE MELODY IS SO FUCKING AWESOME.

Hehehe, okay anyway, HEECHUL WINKED AT ME OMG HE BLOODY WINKED AT ME.

;)

photobooth

Sooner or later,

reality does occur and when it does,

all the lies show up,

like blood on snow.

So before i went visiting today, my cousin came over and we played with photobooth. I took a zilian and since (to me) it looked pretty decent i shall use it for..... this blog :)

Because i was having visitation today, i couldn't study. (Not an excuse, mind you. A reason. Substantial reason- baba blood flows through my veins) Tomorrow, i will b fan-girling for ze:a and that will OBVIOUSLY take up the whole day, minus-ing my dr appt in the morning.

Which leaves me with Sunday to complete my hw. God knows i don't do work on Sundays i mean, SABBATH! Hello!

Which means i'm screwed. In the meantime, photos :)

I left visitation for my cousin's housewarming party and i think i really am going to have a wedding with the fire breather flame thrower arabian princesses blowing dry ice bubble girls etcetc.

Now no one wants to marry me HAHA don't worry donghae i'm coming HAHAHAHAHAHA.

Sidetrack a bit- i don't look one bit like my brother. We look entirely different. :( Then again, i don't want to look like him! HAHAHAHA :)

Bye will head, to bed :)

To a distant friend

WHY art thou silent? Is thy love a plant
Of such weak fibre that the treacherous air
Of absence withers what was once so fair?
Is there no debt to pay, no boon to grant?
Yet have my thoughts for thee been vigilant,	5
Bound to thy service with unceasing care—
The mind's least generous wish a mendicant
For nought but what thy happiness could spare.
Speak!—though this soft warm heart, once free to hold
A thousand tender pleasures, thine and mine,	10
Be left more desolate, more dreary cold
Than a forsaken bird's-nest fill'd with snow
'Mid its own bush of leafless eglantine—
Speak, that my torturing doubts their end may know!
(W. Wordsworth)

study

The brick walls are there 

to give us a chance 

to show how badly 

we want something.

Today, i realised that i had one really good source of motivation, one really good reason why i should start studying. Something i really want badly. Something i've wanted since i was 12.

That and the fact that i honestly need to get out of this shithole. 

You are my BIGGEST mistake

I've made many, granted. Thinking back, my biggest mistake was knowing you. I wish i never knew you. I wish had never met you. Now i just wish you'll die. Choke on your food. Stab yourself with a pencil. I don't know fucking commit suicide because omg you life is oh so fucking hard everyone is bowing down to you! WOW Please die. Please i'm begging you. I hope you fuck up so badly you'll die because you fucked yourself too hard. 

i give up

YOU WANNA FUCKING KNOW FUCKING WHAT? I FUCKING GIVE UP. FUCK. LIKE, I'M GOING TO FUCKING NOT BOTHER FUCKING CARE ABOUT YOU. WHUT FUCK, YOU THINK LIKE THAT VERY FUCKING FUN IS IT. VERY FUCKING NICE IS IT. 

You fucked up.

My anger will diffuse. But this post will serve as a fucking memory as to how you fucked up. 

I WANT TO THROW AWAY MY FRIENDSHIP WITH YOU. 

bruises

My tongue will tell the anger of my heart, 

or else my heart concealing it will break.

Hi, i'm always wondering if you'll return. Sometimes i pray that you don't. And sometimes i hope you will. I wish on falling stars and eyelashes. Absence isn't solid the way death is. It's fluid, like language. And it hurts.. so, so much. 

'If only' repeats again and again in my heart like a battering ram. 'If only' can break my heart. 

I'm waking up to rain. At least i'm at home. I'm displaced. I don't know where to go. The truth is, i don't want to be alone. 

Never liked rain. It makes me spout rubbish. Makes the weather chilling. Don't like chills. I like warm, fuzzy feelings. Like a hot bath; laughing with friends; or when i'm with you.

Hahahahahahaha see a whole post full of rubbish! It's wednesday already. What am i doing w my life?

 

Cupcakes

She had always wanted words, 

she loved them; grew up on them.

Words gave her clarity,

brought reason, shape.

Somehow what you think doesn't matter to me anymore.

--

HOKAY :) Aft music today, MuiGek and i had a bonding session :D And she successfully made me queue up at koi for like fucking half an hour BUT I GOT MY CHOCOLATE MILK TEA :D HEHEHEHE Large! We cabbed to meet joy after her *ahem* and felt like puking :(

THERE WERE 2 DEAD DRAGONFLIES FLOATING ON HER POOL, DAMN GROSS. Still, we went for a dip cuz it was a fucking hot day and the cupcakes were baking :)

Our cupcakes turned out lovely, better than i xpected (we didn't add the milk) but hahaha it was quite fun eh! My first time baking w all of them esp w jolie and adelia.

Did. Not. Study. Today. You know how shitty that makes me feel? Actually i don't feel shitty. Typing it out doesn't make me feel shitty either. I am really living like it's the holidays. It is!

:(

How depressing. 

The magic is only in what books say, how they stitched the patches of the universe together into one garment for us.

--

Here, pictures! I haven't uploaded any for ages. 

LMG <3>

NEW BLOG (yay)

You must stay drunk on writing so reality cannot destroy you.

Hi omg hi blogger. I've missed you. So badly. HAHAHAHA. A year (and a few days ago) i wasn't very into kpop but now, i am!

I can't be bothered to think of anything else that has changed but i will soon. And post a decent post, one that onsugar can't destroy. :) 

Omg

Omg i fucking know what happened. Some fucker hacked into my onsugar and privatized my fucking blog. So now the tagboard's gone, the description gone everything gone, followers gone, hahaha 

FUCK YOU ONSUGAR :)

M finally moving again. Can't be bothered with this shit site anymore. Fuck you. I shall go search for better sites now. And when i do i'll post my last post here and get the fuck out of onsugar.

tastelikesugar.onsugar.com, bye. 

HER WHISPER IS THE LUCIFER

 

 

 

I love you,
and I will love you until I die,
and if there is life after that,
I’ll love you then.

 

An attempt at a decent post. Hopefully when i press publish the post will BE PUBLISHED. So anyway, i was suppose to get a sushi treat later however :( how sad. My sad life. At home. *hint hint DEANNA* 

Apparently i am to be studying now? Sorry not happening.

The font on macbook is really really nice. BYE COMPAQ NEVER GOING BACK TO YOU AGAIN :) I HAVE BEEN... APPLEFIED! According to celine. Inventor of that supposed supercool word. 

Hahahaha i'm gonna get a polaroid soon and then i don't have to waste time uploading and printing stuff. Yay to 21st century, mother of new age technology.

--

Are you following me?” she asks, but doesn’t meet my gaze. 
“Yeah,” I say. 
“Why?” 
I give her the only honest and true answer I have. “You’re where I want to be.

-LEAVING PARADISE, SIMONE ELKELES

--

I want to say somewhere: I’ve tried to be forgiving. And yet. There were times in my life, whole years, when anger got the better of me. Ugliness turned me inside out. There was a certain satisfaction in bitterness. I courted it. It was standing outside, and I invited it in.

her whisper is the lucifer

At the time, my life just seemed too complete,
and maybe we have to break everything to make something better out of ourselves.

--

FUCK YOU ONSUGAR, FUCK YOU.

WHEN ONSUGAR STOPS BEING SO BITCHY I WILL POST A DECENT POST. FOR NOW, URGH FUCK YOU ONSUGAR. 

sushi buffet

 

At times, I feel like the heart and mind play tricks on each other.
That just when you have got yourself convinced
with one that something is what you want,
the other steps in and makes you feel nothing but doubt.

 

P-p-p-prelims are over, like finally :) Time is passing by s-s-s-s-so fast :(

I am Dead. Beat. Oh my i realise like to say that hahahaahaha. I HAVE BEATEN MY RECORD. I HAVE OFFICIALLY SPENT MORE THAN 3 HOURS IN ORCHARD FOR 3 STRAIGHT DAYS IN A ROW. I spent 5 hours in the previous 2 days and 3 just now :)

Oh wait. Shall talk about stuff in chronological order.

So first, sushi buffet :) Was awfully full after the whole thing but hahaha it's sushi so i was happy :D we spent about 2 hours there with the STUPID FUCKING MANAGER (who doesn't deserve to be one in my honest opinion) and then we ate peas and disgusting ginger stuff soaked in soy sauce. It was nice :) :) Bonding time :) :)

Now i can add one more word to the list of words that remind people of me. At the top would be pink (obviously you can go jump off smth if you didn't know that) and the second one is now fuck :) Is that something to be proud of? idk. It just goes to show that when all you people are married and having sex in about 10 years time? You'll be thinking about me :D (gross)

Then i went shopping (not suprising) with sylvia (suprising) and we succeeded in getting everything i listed before we started shopping! It was quite fun actually! Hehehehe.

Lucifer is now playing on repeat :) Loverholic? Lovertronic? Isn't loverholic derived from alcoholic and lovertronic from electronic.... So they're drunk and they love gadgets?! Dont get it. Still nice though :) Hehehehe minho's rap is nice :) Key's hair is the best and i should shut up now before anyone clicks the x at the top right hand corner.

Wait i shall save the rest of my kpop rant for the last part of the post so anti-kpop people can just skip it easily.

Apparently after all the prep talks my school has given me, i'm suppose to feel xtremely motivated and ready to HINK EEL AND CT (think feel and act) HOWEVER, don't see that happening sorry. :( This is depressing, i'm going to fail o's (look i'm sewing seeds or wtv)

I'm sure i'll be motivated soon enough. Hopefully. Tomorrow........................ shopping! Again :D Then party @ joy's! Hehehe can't wait :)

Life is good for now.

--

KPOP RANT STARTS HERE.

WHY CAN'T DBSK JUST GET BACK TGTH. WHY MUST CHANGMIN AND YUNHO BE ON THE PLANE ALONE :( WHY MUST BOA SIT IN BETWEEN THEM AND TAKE A PHOTO. SHE CAN'T EVER REPLACE THE LACK OF MEMBERS. WHY CAN'T DONGHAE AND EUNHYUK SHOW MORE FANSERVICE. WHY MUST SNSD BE THERE. At least key and jonghyun wore couple shirts (yay!) and i saw everyone using the 300$+ earpieces. Yes, i know you artists are very rich. (which is absurd if sm is really taking your money, so claimed my ex husband who refuses to make up with his other 2 band members or rather, lover and son) I am going crazy :(

SS3 :D