PRETTY-FACADE

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Don’t cry,

I’m sorry to have deceived you so much,

but that’s how life is.

So, hi. :) I have decided to abandon this space. For awhile. I'll be back though (obviously and because) i always need some place to rant and i keep losing the soft copies i write on so...........

O's have been A BLAST. I'VE HAD THE MOST FUN I'VE EVER HAD IN YEARS. Yeah.

Idle

Hi, i am not quite alive

She says nothing at all,

but simply stares upward

into the dark sky and watches,

with sad eyes,

the slow dance of the infinite stars.

This thing that's happening now, the thing(s) happening now, are eating me inside out, from the inside, right out. I'm so BLOODY FUCKING TIRED i'm not lying when i say i wish i wasn't born. Granted, i've had my fair share of freaking euphoria but when it comes to times like this, it's really, really, really low for me.

Usually i don't cope i just die and somehow revive myself for the next day.

Now i don't even want to die i just want to disintegrate and disappear, maybe come back in about 100 years- that is, if the world doesn't end in 2012.

On a much lighter note, my birthday day was completely horrible but the days following it were quite fine, awsm, if i must say so. In fact most people decided they would b nice and give me a present the following Monday :)

Too bad i don't have the time to go post up pics of everything :( But maybe i'll do so after o's. My rents bought me a polaroid :) Now i don't have to keep turning on the computer to look @ photos (since i hate printing them) not quite a picture person, see.

Back to this misery thingum i'm going through right now, well, at least i'm alive :) Not very but still breathing a bit :)

(I really love this book-filled majestic haven i swear i can die here, if it really does exist and is not some form of computer graphic shit)

Oh, reminds me of my life. And my new scary tuition teacher.

Fucking 16th

Never in my life have i wanted a day to end since the first second by which it started. Never in my 16 years of birthdays, have i ever wanted to not have, a birthday.

Since time is so fucking stubborn, i don't see myself re-living my (supposedly sweet) sixteenth. The day fucked itself up, like how i fucked my life up.

Wrong decisions lead to chain reactions and i'm so bloody sick of everything i'm exasperated.

And you know what? I feel like a fool. I'm sick to my stomach feeling like a bloody fool.

Ache

I guess i shouldn't have expected anything. I didn't expect my heart to ache this badly either. I should have realised that no matter how much i put in, i'd probably get xtremely little back. I should have known. I should have known. I really really should have expected this.

Hey bel, why are you crying? Is it such a big deal?

Yes.

Try to find me

If I am lost for a day
try to find me,
but if i don't come back
then i won't look behind me.
all of the things i thought were so easy
just got harder and harder each day

december is darkest,
and june is the light.
but this empty bedroom won't make anything right.
and out on the landing
a friend i forgot to send home
who waits up for me all through the night.

calendar girl, who's in love with the world
stay alive
stay alive

i dreamed i was dying
as i so often do;
and when i awoke
i was sure it was true.
i ran to the window
threw my head to the sky,
and said whoever is up there, please don't let me die

i can't live forever.
i can't always be.
one day i'll be sand on the beach by the sea;
the pages keep turning, i'll mark off each day with a cross
and i'll laugh about all that we've lost.

calendar girl, who is lost to the world
stay alive
stay alive

stay alive, stay alive

MELTDOWN

She was too tall,

too fond of books,

too grave,
and,

a curious thing,

never smiled unless there was something to smile at.

Hi, so it's like............ less than 30 days to o's now. I have been having spasmodic meltdowns and i m driving myself nuts.

I think physics is a life-saver. Will die w/o it. WHY CAN'T BIO BE LOGICAL. I DON'T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT HOW MY UTERUS LINING BREAKS DOWN WHEN IT HAPPENS IT JUST HAPPENS I SCOLD A CURSE WORD AND MOVE ON.

I don't even care how my kidneys look like I DON'T CARE! Medulla Cortex blah blah blahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh (urgh)

:(